the parn

Honestly, I think I really love spending my time all by myself. By that, I mean when I am completely alone or surrounded with people whom I have no idea who the fuck they are and they have completely no idea who the fuck I am too. I also love when I can do anything I want and they never bother to give a fuck about it. I don’t have to care what they would think of me or judge me. Yes, indeed! Because they don’t know me. I consider doing this when I go to Firenze, too. It’d be so much peaceful for me taking a break from everyone, avoiding daily dramas and fights. It’d be too much perfect. If I take FIDI for the final decision, the class will be held in the afternoon and I will be completely free in the morning. And why wake up late and miss all the peaceful moments? Yes, I will, of course, wake up no later than 8! Pinky-swear on my life! And I’ll try not to go to bed any later than 11. Sounds like a perfect summer for me. Just like I’m living in a dream. Hmm… I can’t wait to spend my wonderful life there in Italia. I haven’t been away for a month since England 2009. That was the time I had been worry-free for the longest period of time. And it’s going to happen again next summer. It’d be at just the right temperature. Warm in the sun, chill with the breeze. A cup of mocha or latte or chocolate in the morning with some great books or good music or inspiring sketches. And make the best out of my wardrobe, woohoo! This is the dream I’m going to live in just a year away. Be patient! And the perfect summer is yours, Parn! Keep me posted!

I’ve never thought I would miss someone this much, so terribly that the feelings make me cry. I can’t help it. And knowing that I can merely do nothing about it, nothing can be fucked up more. I haven’t seen you in person for weeks after weeks now. And there’s a probability that I won’t be seeing for, it would be too exaggerating to say ‘the rest of my life’ wouldn’t it?, quite a period of time. Oh my goodness… Or it isn’t exaggerating at all. It could be true. Shit… What do I do? I know I promise myself only another year of this shit, but now I’m not pretty sure about myself right now. I can never stop thinking about him all this time, all the time. It even sucks more to face the fact that he doesn’t realize any of my dramas at all. Ugh… Fuck my love life. How unlucky, hopeless romantic I am… I wonder whether I ever even crossed his damn mind for a damn sec. Ugh… I can feel a mini headache right fucking now. No good. I just miss you badly like crazy. I wish I could see you, and run to you, and hold you so damn tight that you would have trouble breathing, then merely whisper in your damn ear how miserably I had been missing you lately. But how can I live with this when I can’t even do all those things in my damn dreams? I need to pass the actions. I have to have someone do it for me. I asked my friend who is also a friend of his to do it for me, luckily he’s a dude. Eh? Or unluckily? Lol either way, I’ve got to send my love to him anyway. And that’s all I want. I know it’s not much. But it’s the best I can do.

It’s been a month and a few days now that I haven’t seen you since prom night. To be honest, it’s torturing. You used to be the reason I went to school everyday, just to see you…from the other corner of the room. It may sound exaggeratingly stupid that this little unnoticed habit could even bring me something close to heaven. I felt more alive than ever. I thought my beating heart wasn’t working anymore. You completely proved me wrong. You made my heart skip a beat once again in years after years that I believed it had been out of order being covered with thick dust. I thought I could never love somebody again due to my last which had caused me a pain in the ass as if I got cursed. All this time, I’ve been searching for new love, perfect one, to erase the pain. Well, I admitted I did get rid of the pain. It didn’t hurt anymore. In the mean time, it caused me to lose balance and, somehow, myself. I got into many crushes. It was rather I tried to push myself into them, as many as possible. And yes, I succeeded on distracting myself. The result I got wasn’t pleasant, though. I felt…empty…nothing. I thought I was in love, but why didn’t I think my heart said so? Wasn’t it strange? My heart barely pounded like rolling drums. I hardly got blushed. It was just nothing. I did like them — at least, that was what I thought. No, it wasn’t love at all. That made me think there could have been something wrong with me. I thought that maybe I had become incapable of love… That’s sad. I never wanted that to happen to me despite having been a hopeless romantic forever. I knew it in my heart that I needed love, beautiful, pure, and good love I never had before. I craved for it. But for some reason, I moved on with my broken heartbeats stopping desperately searching for love. I even turned down many opportunities to be in love or to work on my charms. This was quite a shitty mistake, too. But then I had got something more important to focus on, achieving my goal. Let’s skip that, shall we? Well, it was such a shame, though. After I achieved the goal, I started searching for love again — this time I looked for the kind that suited me most trying to avoid the impossibility of all kinds. I found one and it was you. I thought it was just another crush, so I merely expected for the worst most of the times. But what I’ve achieved so far was a lot far beyond my expectations I had then. From technically total strangers to friends now… I couldn’t be happier to enjoy this fact. At least, I am someone he knows and surely doesn’t hate. I have been taking steps, very very slow moves this time. He has recently been the boy who can always make my heart beat with the speed of a racing horse every time I see. By recently, I refer to six months with written evidence proof. According to the four-month theory, this is no longer a crush. It’s love. And it’s purer than ever. I can tell. It’s even almost, only this close, unconditional love. I care every single little thing about him, seriously everything. He lights up my world like nobody else. I can’t promise how long this will last, but right now I just can never imagine the day I don’t love him. My heart never works the same ugly way it had been doing since you came around and fixed it. With you, I feel right. I love you, my heart mender.

Man, you have been leaving me worry-sick lately! You have zero idea how badly those unhealthy habits of yours scare me out. I mean, you gotta take care of yourself better than this, you know. Since you’re out there alone living all by yourself, no parents nor siblings to tell you to stop. I know it’s totally none of my business at all; but I swear if only I were in the position where I were capable of doing something about this, I wouldn’t be reluctant to do whatever it takes to get you in place. You might not be aware of someone behind worrying about this. I’m sure I’m not the only one, though. Gosh… Please, why are you doing this? It’s just no good for you at all, seriously. This is just…crazy. You’re leaving me crazy. If only I could, you know, do something like take care of you or even just let you know how bad this could get like further, I would never hesitate on it. You just have to do something. Fix this out. Only for your own good. I don’t even get any advantages of this at all. It’s no use blogging all about this actually cause this is not gonna make you do something anyway. You’ll never know anyway that someone out here has been worry-sick about all of this shit. No one gives a shit anyway. Even you yourself don’t even give a shit about your own good. I just don’t know what to say more. :(